Icha Icha Kakashi
by Ninja Shen
Summary: fic trade, one shot. Limey undertones. Kakashi doesn't spy on girls. At least, not with his eyes.


I don't really have any ideas but I felt like writing, so I'll just type and we'll see where it ends up. This one is for Leafygirl.

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The Konoha hot springs, as a sort of D-Rank mission, often hired shinobi to work for them. Sometimes behind the counter as both clerks and spies, sometimes disguised as patrons, or sometimes just hiding in the shadows. These elaborate measures were taken for the sole purpose… of keeping out perverts. Because, as the great Jiraiya has proven many times, you can be both a great ninja AND a total sleaze ball.

Female ninja were especially high in demand for this job, because it was unfortunately their gender that needed the most protection. Anko used to take the job, when there was little else available for missions, and was pretty good at it when she did, even once catching Jiraiya himself using some elaborate Ninjutsu to peep on girls. Lately Ino had been accepting the mission, though some speculated she took it as an excuse to spend a day at the hot springs and get paid for it. After all, if she spent an afternoon there and didn't catch any peepers, who's to say there just weren't any out that day?

Knowing this, some dirty minded ninja tried even harder, claiming it to be a challenge and determined to succeed- and some just quit.

Kakashi had quit.

Kakashi quit when he was about seventeen, after being caught and beaten by the guard that day, a stealthy middle-aged jounin woman who'd had him completely fooled. That was when he'd decided, while nursing a bruised jaw, that voyeurism really wasn't his thing.

After all, it was never terribly difficult to see a woman naked. If he wanted an evening's entertainment, he could buy a magazine or a video. And if he wanted company, well, that wasn't_ too _much of a challenge. After all, he had this "cool and mysterious" thing going for him, and women fell all over that. They were especially excited about the prospect of seeing what was under that mask, which by the way, was nothing special.

No, somehow he found that spying on girls didn't hold quite the thrill for him as it did for others. What he preferred were novels.

Particularly Jiraiya's novels. That man was a much a writer as he was a ninja. And while he only wrote dirty books, Kakashi (as well as a small Icha Icha fan base) was sure that he could succeed in other writing fields, if he ever wanted to broaden his horizons.

(Of course, he'd have to work under a different name. He'd made a bit of a name for himself as a writer of smut, and it would be hard to branch out with that label.)

But the copy ninja found that he enjoyed the novels because if left much open to the imagination. A scene could be more or less vulgar depending on his mood, and a sensual situation could look precisely how he would prefer it. In his mind, the camera angle was always perfect, no bad music or close ups in genitalia- which, let's face it, was sort of ugly- and he could linger on favorite parts. Best of all, there was always more emotion involved in writing. Through words he could not only see the act in his mind's eye, but he also knew why they were happening, how they were lead to that situation, and how it made the characters feel.

It was more like being involved than through pictures or a spyglass, like he was right there in the story. And that was way hot.

But there wasn't always a book to read. He had several _Icha Icha_ volumes, which he'd read before, and a few by other authors he liked as well. And some were good to read more than once, but once in a while he preferred something new, something different. But good dirty novels were hard to find, and his favorite authors took their time coming out with new books. It was better that way, of course- it was always best to take your time with fine work, and it made the release of the next volume even more of a thrill. But meanwhile, Kakashi had nothing to do.

And so, he went to the hot springs.

Not for the same reason Jiraiya and his apprentice pervert Naruto went, but admittedly, for a _similar_ reason.

While the other two would stake out a good hiding spot outside, Kakashi would find a nice, warm, comfortable position inside the springs on the men's side of the bath. His preferred seat was directly against the wooden wall that separated the women's bath from the men's.

And there, he would listen to what was happening on the other side of the wall. Because looking at a girl naked was great and all, but in his fantasies, he was never disappointed.

This day in particular was a somewhat chilly day, not windy, but brisk. With weather like this, a nice long soak in relaxing hot water felt like the perfect idea. Kakashi felt as such, and he hoped that a few female types would agree.

And so, wrapped in a towel and soaking up to his chin, the jounin relaxed against the wall, perfectly comfortable, and concentrated on the voices on the other side. To his luck, there were a few young voices just on the other side of the wall, possibly right beside him, without even knowing it.

"…And so I might not make my rent this month," one girl was saying gloomily.

"Aw, that's too bad," another girl replied, "I wish I could help you out."

They sounded like young women, possibly in their late teens or early twenties. The first one had a softer voice and Kakashi envisioned a sad-eyed girl with long dark brown hair and a round face. The second girl he saw as having sharper features, with short, blue-black hair and kind eyes. He of course didn't know if that was true- maybe he'd try to find out later, when it was time to leave.

"Don't worry about it," the first girl said, "I know you have just enough for you to live on yourself, Hitomi."

Hitomi! There was a name to a voice, at least. He wondered what the sad girl was called. He pictured her, or what he assumed was her, poor and hungry, forced to work a street corner to pay her rent but too proud to ask her friends or family for help. _You must be cold,_ a handsome silver-haired benefactor approached her, _allow me to buy you something warm to drink…._

"Oh my gosh!" Hitomi said suddenly from the other side, "Kasumi, what happened to your chest?"

_Oh, what indeed? Hitomi, you naughty girl, what are you doing looking at Kasumi's chest? Or perhaps, did her towel suddenly fall free?_

"It's nothing!" There was a slight splashing as the embarrassed girl either sank into the water or pulled up her towel. "I slipped on a magazine and fell into the corner of my coffee table. It really hurt, too!"

"That looks terrible! You should get it treated."

How intriguing! Was this a bruise, a scratch, a scar? How bad, and precisely _where_ on Kasumi's chest was it? For Hitomi to only just notice it, it must have been someplace one could hide with a towel. Kakashi smirked slightly, before regaining his composure.

_You should treat that, Hitomi, help your friend out. Rub some healing ointment on it… all around that area… Is she feeling a little uncomfortable with that? Caress her cheek, that will make her feel better… It won't be weird, you're good friends…_

"Ow, it hurts, don't touch it!" Kasumi protested, and Kakashi could not hold back a smile. "It will heal on it's own, just a few days. At least I didn't hit my head!" the girl giggled. While Kakashi was picturing Hitomi fondling Kasumi's bruised breast, her attention was drawn elsewhere as she shouted "Oh hey, Ayame! Over here!"

Ayame? Wasn't the girl who worked at Ichiraku called Ayame? Of course there were probably a hundred girls in the city with that name, but now that was the picture he had in his head for the face of the third girl.

"Well, look whose here! What's up, Bitches?"

That was definitely _not _Ichiraku Ayame. Although imagining her saying "bitches" was a fairly humorous image.

"So how did your date with Koji go?" Hitomi asked, "Come on, give us all the dirty details!"

_Oh, yes, do!_

"Okay," Ayame began excitedly, "But this is a secret, you can't tell anyone! I don't want people to think I'm easy."

_A dirty little secret! Go on, we promise not to tell…_

"So you saw us at the coffee shop, but after we left-"

"KAKASHI!"

_Oh, fuck, no!_

The copy nin's attention was now drawn away from the gossip on the other side of the wall and towards the source of this sudden distraction, and to his horror found himself the facing worst possible person at that moment, his self proclaimed rival Gai.

Naked Gai.

_Anybody but Gai,_ he internally pleaded, _please God, anybody but him…_ Kakashi squeezed his eyes shut, but when he opened them, he found to his disappointment that Gai was still grinning at him.

Naked.

_If there was ever anything less attractive that that…_ He thought, shielding his eyes and praying that image didn't stay with him. Kakashi sighed wearily as the other man approached him.

"To think I'd find you here! How fortunate!" Gai proclaimed, taking a seat beside Kakashi. "I was just thinking it's about time we had another match, and I know just the one!"

"Not today, Gai. Really," Kakashi protested, feeling totally uninterested in any of Gai's challenges. But the square faced man just chuckled knowingly.

"Ah, playing 'cool' again. That is so you!" He grinned. Kakashi stared at him through half-lidded eyes.

"Today's competition is a breath holding contest! Whoever can stay under the water longer wins, and the loser does a thousand jumping jacks!"

_Children have that competition, Gai,_ is what Kakashi wanted to say, but knew that arguing was useless.

"Ready?" Gai held his hand up to his nose, preparing himself for the dive, "Go!" He took a deep breath and plunged his head under the water. Kakashi did not follow suit. Instead, he used this moment of silence to try and listen to what was happening on the other side of the wall, but to his disappointment, heard nothing. The girls must have heard Gai's loud, obnoxious voice just on the other side of the wall, and moved to a more private location to finish their conversation. Kakashi sighed, and after a moment, Gai resurfaced with a load gasp.

"You won," Kakashi stated blandly.

"You're hair isn't even wet!" Gai protested, infuriated that his rival wasn't taking this seriously.

"Yeah, I didn't even get that far," Kakashi stated coolly, standing up. "You're just too good for me, Gai. There's no competition."

"Only when you don't _try_!" He shouted to Kakashi's retreating back, "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to go read a book."

With that, Kakashi left the hot springs to the sound of Gai cursing his name.

Redressed and back outside into the chilly streets of Konoha, Kakashi decided that it had been a somewhat disappointing adventure, but altogether it could have been worse. He'd heard a few interesting things, and hopefully the thought of Hitomi rubbing ointment on Kasumi's breast would shove back the image of naked Gai. He hoped to God it would.

Just as he turned his back on the hot springs, a familiar voice caught his attention.

"Ayame, don't forget your hat!"

"Shit! Kasumi, would you grab that for me?"

Kakashi turned quickly towards the door. So, it may have been good fortune after all that he left when he did! Now he can see for himself just how accurate his mental pictures of the girls were. He watched as the three girls exited the building, just a little excited to put real faces to the lovely voices, and as they turned towards him-

Kakashi's face fell into a look of horrified disappointment.

How had he imagined them to be twenty? They were all- all three-_ twice _that age, if not more! An over sized, squatty woman handed a hat to a tall, lanky, shapeless woman while a large nosed, blotchy skinned woman awaited them. Kakashi continued to watch the door, perhaps these women weren't the voices he'd heard, maybe they were yet to come, until the blotchy woman spoke and he confirmed her voice to be Hitomi's.

"Let's get some lunch, it's chilly out here. So Ayame, are you going to see Koji again?…"

Kakashi watched them as they left, frozen in a state of disbelief. If Gai hadn't interrupted, he could have not only heard the rest of the story, but also never seen the women, and not been so horrendously disappointed. The images he had earlier of the girls were gone, wiped from his mind, leaving only that horrible picture of Gai. Was nothing going to go right today?

Just then, he heard a commotion. Turning towards the bathhouse, he watched, mildly surprised, as a man in black was tossed out. Following him was Ino, looking furious.

"And don't come back!" The girl shouted at the man, enraged.

"It wasn't what it looked like!" Ebisu protested, "I lost my glasses! I was just looking for them!"

"My ass you were!" Ino sneered, "If I see you here again, I'll be sure to blind you! Then you won't _need_ the damned glasses!"

With that she turned on her heel and walked confidently back into the building. Kakashi promised himself to offer Asuma his condolences later as Ebisu picked himself up off the ground, red faced and mortified, and adjusted his dark sunglasses. It was then that he noticed Kakashi and a look of terror registered on his face.

"Hey," Kakashi greeted him.

"That wasn't what it looked like," the tutor attempted to explain himself. Kakashi ignored him.

"Wanna go rent some porn?"

Ebisu looked at him silently for a moment, startled, and gauging how serious Kakashi was. After a moment, he started down the street.

"I know just the place."

* * *

…wow, that went a weird direction. 


End file.
